Alignment- as a mom and grandmother....

I was reflecting a few minutes ago on how wonderful it is to be a grandmother. I was an idiot about a lot of things as a parent when my kids were growing up, and I am not an idiot about much being a grandmother. I mean, I loved my kids dearly, but often I was distracted, or busy, or stressed, and was not really present. I remember feeling  close to my kids, but I am not sure my actions matched those inner feelings.

I think I was good enough, but I don't really feel like I would have won  any parent of the year award.  Luckily for me, my haphazard, doing the best I can mix of parenting skills, mixed with a fair shake of strong family connections seemed to work ok, as I have two wonderful children whom I feel very close to.

I was out of alignment with my thoughts and actions.  And as I think about my life now, I recognize I am out of alignment in other areas of my life, but feel so much more in alignment as it pertains to being a mother and grandmother.

While time often felt like a rubber band that was wound tight around a pencil as I rushed through my day when they were little,  the rubber band is relaxed and subtle now. I truly enjoy and look forward to the time I spend with my kids. And I am completely enamored and head over heels in love with my grandchildren. The gift of age, time and perspective adds up to me really, really getting the importance of focused presence. That one on one wonder of  true connection.

 I continue my inner journey of exploring the in's and outs of true alignment and coherence. I'm exploring to learn more. Not to punish myself for what I didn't do, but to gently excavate those things in my life that deserve deeper reflection. Our inner world reflects our outer world. As my chiropractor gently taps and corrects bones and posture in my semi- crooked spine, I feel a release of pent up feelings, emotions and memories. I believe this will help me identify those areas still in need of alignment. I'm making progress on this one- voicing and feeling the desire to write, and actually making the time to do so. Feels like a sweet victory to me.

Alignment

I was listening to a lecture yesterday and the speaker posed an interesting question. If money were no issue, if all of your bills and financial obligations were taken care of, what would you do? It's  a topic I have thought about before. I have not yet reached the level of financial comfort that I strive for, and once again, if not now- when? So I  thought about it again- what would I want to do. Where does my passion lie?

I know I would want to write- I would want to spend more time with my children, grandchildren, family and friends. I would want to spend more time outside- exploring and hiking. Maybe take a few family vacations. Give back to my community to a greater degree. Teach others, perhaps in accordance with my writing.

And so I am beginning.Doing it as if it is already happening- in any ways that I can. Getting up earlier than usual to spark some creative thoughts and words before work. It feels a little jagged, and the flow of words is not quite so easy- perhaps in anticipation of a busy day ahead. But the important thing is that I still sat down to write. 

Like a rusty joint needs extra lubricant to soften  and work smoothly- I feel I am nourishing my internal and external joints that have become stiff and creaky.So I may be wring about alignment from a variety of perspectives. Financial alignment, spiritual alignment, physical alignment, emotional alignment. Following my passion and joy and eliminating areas of toxic stress.  It feels good to nurture the embers of creativity. 

Superwoman's Cape is Sagging

Weekends are time for renewal, fun and rest. It's given me pause for thought this morning, as my " get up and go" has pretty much "got up and left." I'm wondering about the ways in which I have created so much busyness, most days of the week. My ideal morning is to wake up, meditate, enjoy a cup or two of coffee and relax in happy anticipation of what the day might bring. That sounds and feels like a relaxing day. Instead, what I feel is this underlying urgency to complete a laundry list of  chores and obligations, including with no big surprise- the laundry.

Without fail, the list does not get completed, friends and family might feel slighted or ignored, and the day is done.  Before I go to sleep, I gently take off my superwoman cape, shake out the wrinkles and hang it up for the following day, but it seems to me that the cape is getting a little ragged. And while I am not quite sure how I got appointed superwoman, I believe I may have had something to do with it.

So my quest today is to figure out how I might retire that cape.  Discernment and caution is called for. I don't want to go shopping with all of my free time and pick up the Martyr Crown. Trust me, it beckons  with an inviting eye and great promise.

The place where I want to be is one of balance. I feel my balance has been skewed to a dangerous wobble because I have not taken enough time for myself.  And the recent need for weekly visits to the chiropractor might have been a not so subtle nudge to think about this...and adjust course to be in better alignment with my inner self, values and desires. Definitely something to ponder as I finish up the second cup of coffee!

It's about time

I am always excited when I sit down with a blank piece of paper. I'm usually never quite sure what is going on it, but there is this inner spark that flares up and a feeling of happiness that spreads to my heart. I've always thought of myself as a writer, and have imagined great books  to be penned. However, as birthday's fly by and life gets busier, focused time for writing often takes a back burner.  So, after celebrating yet another birthday...it occurred to me with a greater nudge- if not now- when? I've thought about writing, dreamed about writing, attended writing workshops, so maybe I should just write. Every day, for some part of my day.

 I am not sure what this path will look like, and I don't even care. I just want to connect with my inner self, and see what emerges. I hope each word written will unblock unexpressed resistance, and the flow of creativity will come rushing forth.  I know any resistance has been self-imposed on some level of another, and I'd like to explore that, or not.

I am not concerned if this blog is read by others or not.  Maybe that will change in time but maybe it won't and that's ok. Perhaps the first chapter of a book will come forth. Maybe  I can share my thoughts and feelings in a blog written for my grandchildren, who I love and cherish beyond measure.  Maybe as I take steps in the direction of my dreams to write..to have time, energy and financial support to write...the path  become much more clear.  I want to explore the things in my life that make me happy. I want to explore alignment and congruence. I want to jot down my thoughts of what it's been like living in Colorado this last 9 months. I want to dream and write about hiking 14ers.  What does health mean to me?  Many things come to mind, so it's time to just jump in.

not quite cocooning...but preparing for change!